catheroominations

I’m watching an episode of The Colbert Report on TiVo, and they just aired an ad for…

GUYS GONE WILD

Yes, ladies. It’s true. It’s payback time. Woohoo! Choose from The Big Easy, Heatstroke, and Dude, Where’s My Pants?* (Nice grammar on that last title, guys.) Hurry, get to guise gone w!ld daht com (I’m so not linking to that) and order your very own copy, each for just $19.99!

THUD (I just imagined it on the 65-inch screen.)

*In Spanish, that’s El Grande Facil, Insolación, and Hombre, Donde Estan Mis Pantalones**, but really, do you care about audio for this type of thing?

**OK, so maybe it isn’t gramatically Spanishly correct, but I really just wanted to say “Hombre, donde estan mis pantalones?”

Last night we finally finished watching the Spelling Bee. Since the kids this year were so freaking brilliant, it ran long and our fabulous Comcast DVR didn’t catch the ending. So (e) downloaded it (in HD, no less!) and we were able to watch the ending. Before watching the final night of televised Bee action, I knew the name of the winner. So I should not have been surprised when, in Round 19, Finola Hackett from Canada missed her word: weltschmerz. Chalk it up to extreme nerves. With just one other speller left to beat, Finola started the word with a “vee” instead of a “double-you.” This, after slam-dunking cachinnate, bdelloid, tutoyer, and koine. Just like me and the word choice (I spelled it C-H-O-I-S-E in our spelling bee. I’m still in therapy over that one.), Finola will never misspell the word used to describe “sadness over the evils of the world, especially as an expression of romantic pessimism.”

All was not lost for Fiona though. Katharine (Kerry) Close still had to spell her Round 19 word correctly, plus another word. Could she do it? Ok, well, yeah. I knew she could, I just wasn’t sure if this was IT. Would this be the final round?

keep reading It’s the Spelling Bee, and I’ll cry if I want to

All day today I’ve had the feeling I was forgetting someone’s birthday. I checked my Palm. Nothing. My Outlook calendar at work. Nope. I wracked my brain. Still, nothing.

But thanks to my main source of important facts, I finally found out who was born on this day. Apparently my skill for knowing useless information has diminished some. I mean, this man was a huge part of my life back in the day. My parents tried to convince me that he didn’t like girls, that I stood no chance, but I didn’t believe them. I remained faithful, hoping that one day he’d choose to be with me. So what if he wore lipstick and nail polish? What guy didn’t back then? He was a musician after all. He was just very artistic, and what better way to express his creativity than through his flamboyant ruffled shirts and pasty foundation? I still remember the way he pressed just one key on his keyboard and got so many different sounds to emit from it. I never knew how he accomplished such a feat. He was a genius in my own mind.

Oh how I loved you, Sweetie. I’m so sorry I almost missed your special day. Happy Birthday, from Mrs. Rhodes.

“What new evidence?” you ask?

I just tried to add The Scorned to my Netflix queue, and it is listed as very long wait. Damn my guilty pleasures!

In case you haven’t heard by now (it’s all over the Internets), it looks like Arrested Development is over. For good.

The show’s brilliant creator, Mitch Hurwitz, says he won’t be continuing the series. Originally, Showtime was interested in picking up the Show the FOX Forgot, but only with Hurwitz’s involvement.

Just this morning, I was discussing the lack of outstanding sitcoms on TV these days. The jokes are irritatingly predictable and the laugh tracks are ridiculous. I am one of a very few who didn’t love Raymond. Part of the charm of Arrested Development (and The Office) is the welcome absence of fake laughter. Don’t tell me when I should laugh, thankyouverymuch.

The witty writing that consistently pushed the envelope is a rarity in broadcast television, yet a staple of cable TV (HBO’s Sex and the City, Six Feet Under, and Showtime’s Queer as Folk). Many had high hopes that Showtime would extend the chronicles of the Bluth family and give Arrested Development a new home. But, it doesn’t lood good, people.

Yes, I know there are more pressing issues in our world than the fate of a television show (or mullet comebacks), but it makes me sad that shows like Hope & Faith and The War at Home continue to air and Arrested Development is, well, arrested. I’m afraid what that says about the American television-viewing public is that we are unintelligent boobs who don’t enjoy smartly written and produced comedies.

Sometimes I’m in the dark about things. I feel like I live under a rock. At such times, it’s good to have friends like Jenni and Sandi who bring vitally important topics to my attention. The news is unsettling and quite disturbing, but I’d rather know than go about my daily business, ignorant to the disaster that is

The mullet.

That’s right. It’s back.

When I think about the mullet, as I am wont to do, I realize that in some parts of the world, it never left. The fine folks at Supercuts can attest to this. The mullet is quite the look in some circles. Many hockey players, backstage crew, and country music stars are fans of the schizophrenic hairstyle.

But what stylist out there still creates the mullet? Does anyone walk into a salon and say “I’d like a mullet please.”? Or perhaps they don’t even know the name for the coiffure they’ve been sporting since the 80s. They request “Just a little off the sides. I’m growing it out in the back,” as they take a seat in the chair, placing their Vuarnets in the front pocket of their Members Only jacket.

Like the mustache, who out there is more attractive with a mullet? Anyone? I dare you to find a hot mulletified guy. Get back to me on that.

Picture the classically handsome Gregory Peck with a mullet. Or Cary Grant. James Dean. Or today’s heartthrobs Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, or Jude Law. Doesn’t work, does it?

In an attempt to spread mullet awareness, the San Francisco Chronicle published this informative article. After reading it, I now can answer “WWJD?” He’d have a mullet.

I am certain that Yanni and NASCAR are behind all this mustache/mullet mayhem.

hate your job? you ain’t knowin’. you could have it so much worse.

I hereby offer the lyrics to the academy award-winning “it’s hard out here fo’ a pimp.”

you know it’s hard out here for a pimp (you ain’t knowin’)
when he tryin’ to get this money for the rent (you ain’t knowin’)
for the cadillacs and gas money spent (you ain’t knowin’)
because a whole lot of bitches talkin’ sh!t (you ain’t knowin’)
will have a whole lot of bitches talkin’ sh!t (you ain’t knowin’)

[djay]
in my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in the streets
gotta couple hoes workin’ on the changes for me
but I gotta keep my game tight like kobe on game night
like takin from a ho don’t know no better, I know that ain’t right
done seen people killed, done seen people deal
done seen people live in poverty with no meals
it’s @#$%ed up where I live, but that’s just how it is
it might be new to you, but it’s been like this for years
it’s blood sweat and tears when it come down to this shit
I’m tryin’ to get rich ‘fore I leave up out this bitch
I’m tryin’ to have thangs but it’s hard fo’ a pimp
but I’m prayin and I’m hopin to god I don’t slip, yeah

[chorus]

[djay]
man it seems like I’m duckin’, dodgin’ bullets everyday
niggaz hatin’ on me cause I got hoes on the tray
but I gotta stay paid, gotta stay above water
couldn’t keep up with my hoes, that’s when sh!t got harder
north memphis where I’m from, I’m 7th street bound
where niggaz all the time end up lost and never found
man these girls think we prove thangs, leave a big head
they come hopin’ every night, they don’t end up bein’ dead
wait I got a snow bunny, and a black girl too
you pay the right price and they’ll both do you
that’s the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin’
gotta have my hustle tight, makin change off these women, yeah

[chorus]