August 20, 2007

I hate leaving the gas station with my tank door open

…but tonight on my way home from work, I spotted a guy in a green Volvo pulling out of the gas station with the pump’s nozzle still attached and the hose dragging behind him. I started to follow him so I could tell him that he had unknowingly left Exxon with a souvenir (an expensive one at that, I’m guessing). Actually, I followed him to capture photographic evidence of his intelligence, but he sped off, perhaps trying to disengage the unwanted stowaway.

Seriously. Dude. I know gas prices are high, but even so, you should still be able to afford to pay attention.

By the way, my lovely readers (all three of you) you only have until Friday to send me virtual birthday presents (see item #5 here). Just a friendly reminder, you know. BECAUSE MY BIRTHDAY IS SATURDAY. Please send jpegs or descriptions of extravagant, thoughtful, cheesy, and fabulous gifts you would like to give me. You can send them to me (catheroo) at gmail dot com. Oh, and so far I received one virtual present that might just take the cake.

July 4, 2007

“The greatest moment in the history of American sports”

Would occur if Joey Chestnut from San Jose, CA, wins the Nathan’s Famous International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest, according to one of the announcers.

Oh, and this would also make Joey Chestnut an American hero, on par with Abraham Lincoln, Neil Armstrong, and…Taylor Hicks. Taylor Hicks?

Another contestant dedicated his hot dog-eating to N!kk! H!lton, because she lives in the shadow of P@ris, and this contestant feels that he lives in the shadow of Joey Chestnut. Yes, perhaps N!kk! has not seen the quantity of ahem…”hot dogs” as her sister. Poor girl. But I am sure that she is flattered by the dedication.

All of this was on ESPNHD. HD? Do we really need to see people shoving frankfurters into their mouths in high definition? And then replayed in slow motion in the case of a photo finish?

Apparently we do, because I watched it. And Joey Chestnut did his country proud as he chowed 66 hot dogs. He defeated Kobayashi, who only guzzled 63.

Yes, people, the Mustard Belt is back in America, on this, the Nation’s birthday. Thank you, Joey Chestnut. You made San Jose proud. So readers, today when you are at your 4th of July BBQ or party, please, raise your weiner hot dog to Joey, American Hero.

Now it’s time for the Scripps National Spelling Bee in HD. Because you totally need high def to hear kids spell things like pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

February 14, 2006

a guy walks into subway at santana row…

(no that is not the beginning of a joke)

he’s wearing nice dress slacks and dress shirt. he’s carrying the skateboard he rode from his office. he chats it up with the sandwich artist and convinces her to add more bacon to his chicken ranch on itialian bread. she complies. no charge. they know him.

the cashier asks, “why the skateboard?”

the businessdude explains, “because by the time I get out to the car, hit all the lights, try and find a place to park…you know? this is quicker.”

nevermind that he’s in full business attire and looks like a neo-maxie zoom dweebie shredding down stevens creek blvd.

the cashier nods, as if to understand this logic.

the businessdude then begins to recount his weekend, “dude, I had such a wild weekend. me and (dude), and (dude)…we…”

I don’t recall their names and didn’t hear how or why it was so wild as I was ordering my own sandwich.

the cashier enjoys his story. he himself had a wild weekend.

the businessdude was apparently in the doghouse after his boyz night out, “yeah, my wife was pissed! but it’s ok because I gave her a big ole diamond ring this morning. gotta pay ’em off, you know?”

December 2, 2005

sweet dreams are made of this

I just read that some horndog in canada was acquitted of sexual abuse charges. apparently he suffers from sexsomnia, or “involuntary sexual behavior during sleep.” the court called in a sleep expert, who testified under oath that the perv perp was asleep when the alleged attack occured, due to said sexsomnia.

but then why was the dude wearing a condom when he awoke? a person doesn’t involuntarily don a condom.

I’ll bet he unconsciously put barry white in his cd player and sleep-lit some candles too.

November 6, 2005

all in all it’s just a-nother boob in the wall


designer creates wall of breasts

a dutch designer has created a wall of fake breasts to help male shoppers buy bras that fit their wives or girlfriends.

wendy rameckers works at the piet zwart institute for retail and design in rotterdam, reports het nieuwsblad.

“most men have a selective memory,” she explained. “they know all about their car, but never seem to know their wife’s bra size.

“when trying to buy a sexy bra for their wife or girlfriend, usually they point to other women in the shop or, when asked about size, they say a ‘handful’.”

the wall consists of rows of silicon breasts in all sizes. by look and touch, male shoppers can work out the right size, she says.

October 21, 2005

part II of havoc-wreaking gremlins

bah! the gremlins have now entered my brain.

first, some background. every morning, as I eat my breakfast and procrastinate getting ready, I watch the today show on nbc. I even TiVo it because I don’t want to miss anything important going on in the world.

so the other day, while watching it, I saw this (note the time on the bose on top of the tv and the clock in the right bottom corner of the tv):

strange that katie and john leguizamo both have their eyes closed at that moment. must have been the flash.

anyway, the first thing I did was check my watch to make sure my bose clock was right. it was. so then I thought, “hmm…nbc’s clock is behind 20 minutes. weird.” kntv also took a station break at a non-half hour time.

just like scooby doo and the gang, I had to get to the bottom of this mystery. I took this picture so I could show the man and ask him to find out what was up with kntv. he has friends who work there, you see.

so when I sent him the photo, he asked if I was sure my bose clock was right, to double-check that the snafu was real before asking his friend at the station. I assured him that it was, thinking “what, does he think I’m a moron?”

last night I showed him the TiVo reording to prove my point. when I started the recording, it started at 7 am, and nbc’s clock said 7 am. we forwarded 15 minutes, and nbc’s clock said 7:15. this went on throughout the show. TiVo’s time, and nbc’s time were synched.

at almost the same time, matte and I solved the “mystery.” apparently, I had paused the TiVo recording that morning, or rewound it or something, so what was on the tv was behind 20 minutes.

who’s the box of hair now?