February 27, 2008

Are Titleists the best golf balls?

Because if I have to have a white, dimpled ball in my throat, it had better be a high-end one. Since Monday afternoon, I have been feeling like I am trying to swallow a golf ball every time I…well, swallow. Monday night and Tuesday, I had a fever and was so achy I could barely get up off the couch. Today the fever and aches are gone, but there still seems to be a golf ball trying to make its way down my esophagus. This is not fun because I like to eat and it’s hard to eat when each bite has to battle for space in my throat. The damn golf ball will NOT go down already.

It’s not the kind of sore throat that makes my voice sound hotter, like Demi Moore in her Jackie Templeton days, either. There’s a bit of a dry cough with it, and other than the golf ball sitting back there annoying me, I feel ok. My glands aren’t even swollen.

Because it hurts to eat, I must choose my food wisely. It needs to be worth the pain to eat it. I find that chocolate chip cookies work well. Ok, they hurt a little when I swallow, but they’re so good I don’t care. But even better are Firecrackers. I also think a milkshake would be nice. But Daniel Day Lewis took it.

Now that I think about it, mashed potatoes. Those would be ok, I think. Tiramisu would work. Oh, and crème brûlée. (Are those the correct accents? I pasted it in from Google.)

Definitely out are Brussels sprouts (much too golf ball-like, besides tasting like ass) and anything like vegetables, which offer nutritional value.

I think I need some macaroni and cheese.

And maybe some Maker’s Mark. That’ll erode that @#$%ing golf ball, if I drink enough of it.

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