October 18, 2007

Smashing, baby!

I recently changed positions at work (upgrade!) and moved into a new cubicle with a window (bigger upgrade!) but I’m still getting used to my new surroundings and my new duties. This position was sort of created for me so we’re still working out what exactly I am. So far, I like it. There is a TON to learn, which is part of why I like it, but sometimes, like today, while sitting in a meeting, I felt like the only kid at the adult’s table at Thanksgiving. There was talk of ISO such-and-such and Rev G of the blahblahblah procedure, and calibration schedules, and ay yi yi. But I am SO glad I moved away from what I was doing. I am crazy busy, but it’s the fun kind of busy, and the appreciated kind of busy.

Today, as I was restocking the bottled water I keep in my cube (because I drink like 6 bottles a day), I lifted up the door on my flippy cabinet. You know the cabinets of which I speak…the ones that look like a shelf, but they have a door that slides up and onto the top of the cabinet thing? (I’m not making much sense, so I hope you are following.) Anyway, I opened up the flippy thing, and started to put the bottles in their special spot, and apparently, I think I can stop time. Because although I don’t know jack about physics, I should realize that a door that goes up must also come down, and it will, unless you 1) roll it all the way to the top so it is lying horizontal, or 2) hold on to the door, preferably with your hand.

For a second today, I fancied myself Uri Geller, able to control an object with my mind, because as I loaded up the bottles, I let go of the door.

Gravity took over, and the door came down. And I used my face to stop it. First, the door made contact with my forehead. And then fell to the bridge of my nose, where it did a little bounce to the lower part of my nose, before I turned sideways and stopped it with my shoulder.

Why didn’t I use my hands to stop the door from smacking me, you say? Because I was reaching for water bottles that were on my desk, and I had my hands full. I mean, you didn’t want me to drop the water, did you?

My head turned a beet shade of red, and my nose was throbbing. Also, parts of my head that were not a direct hit started to hurt. I took some Motrin and watched a lump form just above my left eyebrow. At that point I really wished I had bangs because there is no hiding a splotched forehead with a bump on it. A co-worker suggested I tie a bandanna around my head for work tomorrow (like Axl Rose), or wear an 80s headband and pretend I am Olivia Newton-John in her Physical video. (Where did I put those legwarmers?)

But actually, this protrusion from my frontal lobe has an upside! It seems to have stretched the skin there so that my wrinkles have all but disappeared! It’s incredible! I have found the secret to youthful looking skin! Drop heavy objects on your crows feet, your laugh lines, your scowl marks that your grandfather always warned you would stay if you held your face “like that” for too long.

Seriously! It works! Just ask the cashier who rang me up at Trader Joe’s tonight. He thought I wasn’t old enough to buy alcohol!

6 people have roominated about “Smashing, baby!”

  • The other day, I gave myself A Black Eye when the little Charger Cord for my cellphone accidentally Snapped and hit the skin around the corner of my eye. I was sure that everyone thought I had been Beaten Up or Something.


  • Saj says:

    I now have a desk like that, so I’ll take your story as a warning! Any pictures???

    I played volleyball the other night and got hit in the face…twice! And it was just our team playing each other!

  • Finn says:

    Congratulations and ouch!

    Now the real question: Have you upgraded your tampons as well? 😉

  • Neil says:

    Brilliant. I’m going to slam some doors on my head now.

    And congrats on the upgrade. Don’t let the window distract you from blogging during work.

  • Too funny! I have a transaction table next to my little flippy door thing (those flat pieces of wood on top of the short module walls). Word of advice. Don’t put anything like a potted plant on the transaction table because when you open the flippy door it hits the plant thereby dropping the whole thing to the floor whereupon the pot smashes, dirt flies everywhere, and the plant sighs in disbelief. I’m just saying.

  • Green says:

    Holy crap that is the funniest thing EVER! I mean, sorry you got hurt (worker’s comp case!), but jesus christ that shit is funny!

roominate on this yourself