February 17, 2006

sorry, earl

apparently mustaches are making a comeback. I hate mustaches. I see a guy with a mustache and I think he is a porn star, a midlife crisis victim corvette driver, smarmy, a used car salesman, a redneck, or a villain. no offense if you have a mustache and do not fall under one of these categories. this is just my opinion. I do know one very nice man with a mustache and he is none of the above.

why is someone with a beard described as bearded, but someone with a mustache is mustachioed. do you pronounce that like the past tense of pistachio? see, another thing that bugs about mustaches.

when I was little, I was afraid of mustaches. my parents had a friend named dennis. he was 6’4″ and had a mustache. a perfectly nice guy. but when he came over, I would run. I would hide. I would cry. I wouldn’t come out until he left.

in 6th grade, my teacher had to take a leave of absence, so we had a substitute. his first name was kermit, which we all found highly amusing. he also had a mustache. I was so afraid of him, I had bad dreams about him that made me not want to go to school anymore.

I hated woolywilly, that game with the hairless face and the the little magnetic ashes you manipulated around to put hair on willy’s face. a really mean trick to play on me would be to make him look like hitler or gabe kotter and then bring it to me and say “look what I made!”

I had a ken doll that came with adhesive facial hair. never, ever would you find my ken mustachioed. my sister may have slapped it on, but only in the event that he was driving barbie’s ‘vette.

my aunt had a boyfriend who was nearly entirely bald, except for, you guessed it, a mustache. he also had a space between his teeth. he wore a thick gold rope chain. and a shirt unbuttoned too low. and polyester wranglers. he bought my aunt some boobs. at family gatherings he would greet me by french-kissing my nose.

yes, I have issues with mustaches.

there are 2 people I can think of who looked good with a mustache. (notice the verb tense.) they are burt reynolds circa 1977, and tom selleck, circa 1980. you may recall that their characters both drove sports cars, not corvettes, but still. for bandit it was a 1977 pontiac firebird trans am, with a t-top. magnum’s transportation was a ferrari 308.

so internets, here is your task: find me a mustachioed man who is hot. clarificaton: who is hot today. or at least doesn’t scare me. in the comments, gimme a name or a link to a photo. let’s see if this man exists.

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