catheroominations

Well, I have an update for you. As of today I have lost…drumroll please…SIXTEEN pounds. Yeah. You read that right. I have lost ONE measly pound since before Christmas. I have stumbled and fallen, I have gotten back up, only to fall again. I have gained and lost and gained again and lost again. There was Christmas, birthday parties, lunches out (read: beer) with friends, a potluck birthday breakfast, Jon Hamm(!) at Cobb’s Comedy Club last Friday (read: beer), and the Super Bowl (both beer and wine this time). If I could just avoid leaving the house and socializing with people altogether, I would be at my goal weight by now. But I’m not interested in becoming a hermit, and I like my friends, so I jump right into temptation and sabotage by some, with both feet and enjoy the food that comes with Getting Together. Sometimes there are healthy options. Usually there are not, but I try, I really do. Deprivation only leads to failure, so I do enjoy some of my favorites every now and then, in moderation. But when there is a buffet of Louisiana-inspired cuisine, whatsagirltodo? White Chocolate Bread Pudding with a sinful sauce made from sweet and condensed milk? Get OUT! Like I could say no to that! And when the woman who baked it asked if I wanted a second helping a couple of hours after she witnessed me orgasmically enjoying my first, well, I couldn’t insult her by saying no. How rude is that? I’m nothing if not polite. So yeah, I had a second helping. And it was GOOD.

That was last Sunday, and for the five days since, I have made a conscious effort to make healthier choices. I have eaten pounds of raw vegetables and fruits (which I have learned to love), focused on lean proteins (except for a small pile of tri tip on my salad Wednesday night at Pluto’s), opted for natural foods, and stayed away from processed crap that’s filled with sodium. Because of this, I lost a pound this week. That’s one more than last week. Last week, I stayed exactly the same to the tenth of a pound. Consistency I can do.

I’m proud of the one-pound loss this week, and I know the process is slow. It has to be in order to work. With the temporary bouts of falling off the wagon, I can’t expect to lose more and so I don’t beat myself up. I’m lucky I haven’t gained more than I have when a + shows up instead of a minus next to my progress.

So here I hover around 135 pounds. There. I said it. I weigh 135 pounds. I’m 5’1 and 135 is not even within my weight range. My BMI states that I’m overweight, and I still look like I am. My mii on the Wii Fit gets wider as the Fit board weighs me. But in real life, I know I look much better now than I do in this photo that a friend posted on Facebook this week.

Good gracious and holy shit! I am working the 1% lycra in those jeans to its maximum. I don’t think Lucky Brand Dungarees has QA testing equipment as fierce as my ass and thighs right there. Why did no one tell me I looked like that? Of course, what would they say? “Catheroo, you’ve let yourself go,” like one of my college friends once said to me? Or they could mask it by saying, “Yeah, my mom asked if you’ve gained weight,” like my college boyfriend told me once. How do you tell someone that they’re not taking good care of themselves? Besides, when that photo was taken I knew I wasn’t eating healthy. I was taking up more space than I wanted to. I felt rotund, and tired, and depressed. Don’t let the smile fool you. I was in severe self-hate mode then. But that was then. And today that is my BEFORE photo. It’s the only real “good” one I have electronically that conveys why I started this journey in the first place. I hate having my picture taken and this is a perfect example of why I’d rather be behind the camera than in front of it. Hopefully that will change and I won’t hate photos of myself.

In that photo, I weighed over 150 pounds. Again, I am 5’1″ tall. At my height I should weigh between 103 (Hahahaha! That’s hilarious!) and 127. I like myself somewhere in between, but now that I’m 40, I’m sure my body cannot get to where it once was. And that’s fine. I don’t know how much more I want to lose, but I’ll know when I get close. I don’t need to be a size zero, or resort to shopping in the kids department at Macy’s. I have realistic goals that do not include looking like a lollipop. But one thing is clear. I have come a long way since that photo on Easter, and don’t intend to go back to that place.

I can’t believe it’s already almost Christmas. This year flew by. Why do they always do that?

This week I am participating in the 7 Days pool on Flickr once again. I love this pool because, unlike the 365 groups, where you have to shoot a self-portrait every single day, with 7 Days, I only have to do it for one week. As someone with self-diagnosed ADD, this is the perfect group for me. Plus, the entries are so creative, and each time around, new people join. I highly recommend you join to and shoot yourself for 7 days straight the next time the group starts. My previous entries are here, here, and here. During the Spring 2008 edition of 7 Days (the most recent one I participated in) we had just gotten Desmond and I was shooting photos of him constantly. I put him in one of my self-portraits because he was just too cute not to. So this round, I decided to include him again, so everyone could see how much he’s changed in just nine short months. He just had his first birthday on December 7, and has grown into a full-sized cat. Still a cutie, but much more uncooperative for photos. Quite unwieldy, that one.

For the 7 Days pool on Flickr. There should not be a question mark on the shirt. It should be a period, or even better, be sans punctuation. Maybe that’s why it was only 7 bucks?

Remember, three months ago, when I said I was ready to stop eating crap? Well, I have stopped eating crap. I no longer binge on things like Taco Works tortilla chips and salsa, chocolate, or frozen chocolate chip cookie dough. In fact, since before I started this new way of eating, there has been an unopened, untouched box of those deliciously bad little nuggets of goodness in my freezer.

I have completely changed my eating habits. I have given up soda, even diet soda. My new snacks are pomegranate seeds. I can’t remember the last time I ate fast food, or had ice cream. Sure, I allow myself a treat now and then, but today it’s in moderation. I can stop at one serving — a normal-sized serving. I eat low fat, I eat tons of fruit and veggies. I avoid sugar and don’t munch on candy. I rarely eat bread or pasta, unless the bread is whole wheat and the pasta is made from brown rice. My drink of choice is water. I drink approximately two liters of it a day. I gave up coffee, and replaced it with jasmine green tea.

I might be boring now to some. I don’t dine out much, unless I can get something reasonably healthy. That means I never go to my favorite Mexican restaurant anymore. I don’t really miss it though. I bring my lunch to work, and make all my own food. I avoid the processed junk that’s filled with sodium and words I cannot even pronounce.

Social situations and holidays freak me out a little, but in a good way. I am even more stubborn about my food when I am surrounded by the most temptation. I went on a cruise to Mexico and blew it big time, eating dessert at every dinner, drinking to my heart’s content, and ignoring my new ways of eating. Consequently, I gained weight and felt like crap when I got back home, just before Thanksgiving. I thought my plans were doomed, gaining weight before Thanksgiving? Instead of resorting to my old ways during the week of Thanksgiving, I lost the weight I gained on the cruise. Eating well just makes me feel better, inside and out.

Oh, and I’ve lost 15 pounds too.

What started me on this path was when I saw photos of myself from my 40th birthday party. I could not believe how far I’d “let myself go.” I didn’t think I looked like that person in the photos. I didn’t think that was the person I was projecting to people physically. Nevermind the fact that none of my clothes were fitting correctly and I would opt for workout wear whenever I could. I hated getting ready for work everyday. I hated shopping for new clothes, not because they didn’t fit right, but because I would have to buy a size I didn’t want to admit I was. So I squeezed into my clothes from thinner days and looked and felt like a sausage in denim casing.

Before you start thinking I’m a food Nazi now, I’m not. I do enjoy my old vices, but I don’t eat five times the serving size. I know that depriving myself will only lead to failure, but I also know that certain foods will trigger overeating and I could put myself in a downward spiral if I lose focus. I’ve learned how to stop eating mindlessly. Food is fuel, not a hobby or a habit.

I know at any moment I could return to my old ways. I’m still kind of new at this, but when I can fit into pants that have been hanging in the closet, waiting for me to wear them again, I can see how far I’ve come. I still have clothes I want to wear again soon, and I still have some pounds to lose. But I’m on the right track and am focused on my goals. Overcoming a bad relationship with food is like an alcoholic getting sober. At least I think so. I can’t speak from experience as an alcoholic, but like any bad habit, changing how I eat has been difficult. Most times I like it. Sometimes I hate it. It’s time consuming to make all your own food. It’s expensive to opt for organic produce. People have tried to sabotage my efforts, including my “diet buddy” who, not being successful, wants to bring me down with her. It’s hard to say no. But I’m learning.

ad·dic·tion (É™-dÄ­k’shÉ™n) n. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance.

For as long as I can remember, I have had a problem with food. I have an insatiable sweet tooth. I grew up on Cookie Crisp, Trix, Apple Jacks and Fruit Loops and normally ate two bowls full every morning. Dessert was a regular part of the dinner ritual. My school lunches always had cookies, or Snack Pack puddings. I didn’t like to eat fruit and only ate it when I had to. The same with vegetables. If I ate toast, I’d load it with butter and sprinkle a mix of sugar and cinnamon on top. I loved ice cream sundaes and would fill the bowl with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. I once had a babysitter who taught me to jazz up Oreo cookies by squirting Redi-Whip on them. Yum! When I was old enough to go to a school where I could buy what I wanted, I opted for peanut chews and chocolate shakes as my lunch. Even now, if I were to see a peanut chew, I would have trouble not taking a bite, or possibly eating the whole thing.

I grew up chubby and inactive. I thought I was ugly and fat. But rather than make changes to my bad habits, I took solace in more food.

keep reading Learning to say no. Again.

Today I ran my second half marathon. This time, at the Happiest Place on Earth. I also set a new personal half marathon record, finishing 11 minutes faster than my last half marathon. I’m pretty damn stoked about that.
The medal is huge and I feel like Flava Flav when I am wearing it. Because the medal is so large and it has the castle on it, I am celebrating with another large castle. A 25-oz Newcastle.
This run was in memory of my dear friends Julie and Val who loved Disneyland. Cheers to you 2, my lovely friends who were taken too soon. Cancer sucks so I’m kicking its ass for you.

At 9:30 at night.
Seriously, that’s all I have to say. I’m so good at this NaBloPoMo.
Nighty-night!