May 23, 2009

Oh yeah. I have a blog.

Dang, look at all the cobwebs around here. It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. Is anyone still here? Hello? Echo…echo…echoooo…

Lately I just haven’t been feelin’ it dawg. It being really anything. I haven’t felt like taking photos, blogging, writing, reading, exercising, or really anything that requires any initiative on my part. I’m not sure what’s going on, but it seems I have lost my mojo. It would have been helpful if I’d taken a photo of my mojo while it was still here so I could send it to the milk people to put on their cartons.

How I’m feeling is usually reserved for winter, not when it’s sunny and warm and happy outside, so I’m not sure why I have such a case of the blahs. I am suffering from a tremendous lack of motivation and have become a rather large bump on a log. I’m even a bump on a bump on a log. I don’t think it’s depression because I have been depressed before and it wasn’t like this. I think what I have here is a serious case of laziness.

The way I do projects is this: I get really excited and go all crazy about one thing, say, writing. I sign up for a class, I join a writers group, I go to places that help me remember things for my memoir, I read books about writing, on Twitter I follow authors and people who are in “the biz” so I can stay motivated, and I write, and write, and write. And then, for no apparent reason I stop. Done. I just don’t wanna. It’s no longer exciting. I get bored. Bah.

Without giving too much away about this writing project, if it comes together and we finish it (I’m writing it with a friend) it will be awesomely awesome. I’m not just saying that. Everyone I tell about it says “Whoa. That sounds like a great idea. I can’t wait to read your book.” Even people who write and publish books.

But books don’t write themselves. I know this because I have no book so far.

I haven’t written anything since the day I sat in the cafeteria at Stanford Hospital and did an assignment for class. I wrote for one hour about the chaotic sounds (dozens of conversations at once, none of which I could understand), the cacophony of smells (cafeterias are to the nose what nails on a chalkboard are to the ears), and the sights (a bunch of people who look like doctors because they wear scrubs and/or lab coats and clogs but in reality could be housekeeping).

Maybe going back to that place wasn’t such a good idea.

Maybe it momentarily sucked the life out of me again, like it did in 2002.

Maybe it was really freaky to get my records from my therapist at that time and reading them. She used words like anxious, rage, fear, and sadness to describe me. Wait. What? That was me? That’s not who I am now so it’s strange to know I ever was that girl.

Maybe running in to his favorite nurse when I visited oncology wasn’t the best thing. She adored him and now adores his memory. I don’t. She misses him. I don’t. I should probably feel bad about that. But I don’t feel bad. Going back to the oncology floor didn’t make me sad. I remembered it, but I didn’t remember it. It was like I was on the set of a TV show I watch a lot. It looked familiar, but I didn’t feel like I’d been there myself. Nice Nurse hugged me because she thought it was hard for me to go back there. It wasn’t.

Maybe I’m tired of remembering about all the crap he pulled, and how he was not really Mr. Nice Guy everyone thought he was.

Maybe I’m having trouble remembering what it was about him that kept me around. Surely there must have been some Nice Guy moments. I was his doormat for a long time, but I wasn’t a complete moron the whole time. Was I? I can’t remember the good, except that he spent a lot of money on me to try and hide his emotional bankruptcy.

Maybe I’m just scared to do it.

Maybe I’ll fail.

Maybe I suck.

Maybe if I had a better desk where I could write.

Maybe if my work offered a sabbatical to allow me to devote the time to writing. Now that’s no excuse because Faulkner wrote As I Lay Dying during his lunch hours while working in a coal mine or some old-timey job like that, and Alice Hoffman woke up at 5 am everyday to write her first novel before working two jobs transcribing sex clinic sessions and working at a department store (I learned that from her Twitter feed.)

Maybe I should stop making excuses and take the Nike approach.

7 people have roominated about “Oh yeah. I have a blog.”

  • Alison says:

    Mmm, yeah, I hear you. Madeleine L’Engle wrote something about writing in her book The Summer of The Great-Grandmother. Unfortunately, I can’t remember the quote, and I don’t have the book on hand. (So why did I mention it?) In essence, she said, you just have to write, no excuses, just do it (oh hey, there’s that Nike thing!).

    So, um, there you go. We both know what to do.

  • Saj says:

    So glad to see you back here! I’ve missed you!

    I sort of have to agree with Alison-just do it! Write. Even if it’s just a paragraph. Or a sentence. Or a word. You never know what will come of it.

    Oh, and when your book is all famous and stuff, make sure you get me a ticket to Oprah when you’re on, m’kay? It’s only, like, 2 hours from here!

  • Sandi says:

    Maybe you should publish this post! It says a lot and is very well written.

  • Jenni says:

    Speaking as someone in the throes of a full-blown blah attack myself, I completely understand what you’re feeling. It’s hard to get motivated about anything for some reason.

    However, for you, it’s even worse because you’re trying to revisit a place that was extremely damaging. It’s no wonder you’re dragging your feet! I hope you do get back to writing though because in the end, I think getting your story out will help you move past Not-Mr.-Nice-Guy and all the badness he heaped upon you.

    It’s amazing to me that his Nurse liked him so much. What was it about that guy that he was able to manipulate so many people into thinking he was good?

  • RachelV says:

    I think it’s just that time of year…it’s on Thursday you know…I’m in that place too. Maybe after Thursday I’ll feel the urge to add to my 15 pages. 🙂

  • Christi says:

    I’ve been in a place like you are….revisiting yuckiness. Just don’t forget to marvel at how wonderful Mr. Wonderful (Matte) is in comparison to this Mr. Not-so-wonderful. Marvel at the person you’ve become, the lessons you’ve learned and all you’ve gained since then. To paraphrase CS Lewis: The pain now, helps us to understand the extent of joy later. You are in the joyful later – without the valleys, there can be no mountains.

  • Roni says:

    It’s good to have you back Catheroo. We all run out of enthusiasm for our big projects now and then. I think it’s Nature stopping us from getting too obsessed, and making us take time out to just rest for a while. You’ll find your mojo again, don’t worry.

roominate on this yourself