November 7, 2005

new catherooles

catherool #1
when taking a photo of me, don’t crouch down, kneel, lie on the floor or otherwise shoot from below. ever. I am not tall, so this is not difficult. the result is highly unflattering on nearly everyone, except perhaps mary-kate olsen or nicole ritchie. shooting from above is always best. in fact, sally struthers demands her photo be taken by someone standing on a chair (not that I look like sally struthers).

catherool #2
parents of newborns, or of babies that are too young to look male or female yet must dress their child so that others can tell if it’s a boy or a girl. I know it’s cliche, but baby boys should be in blue (or sports-related clothing), baby girls in pink (or frills or whatever). if this means putting a lace rubberband thingee on your daughter’s head, so be it. a baseball cap on your little man…fine. if I don’t know the name of your baby, or it’s got a unisex name like jamie and I think it’s a boy, when it’s a girl (or vice versa), it’s your fault. and when your child is old enough to know if they’re a boy or a girl, absolutely dress them accordingly. if you choose to give your daughter short hair, and you’re not into pink, pierce her ears or her nose or something. when I was little, people mistook me for a boy a LOT because I had a pixie haircut. the irreversible psychological damage affects me to this day.

catherool #3
when paying somoene a compliment, make it a compliment. don’t say “you look hot,” immediately followed by “you look so different” or “you don’t even look like yourself.” I’m not good at math, but even I can figure out that equation. so, say one or the other, people. one time at costco, when the cashier saw my membership card, he suggested I take a new picture for it because “you look so much better now.” he may as well have said, “damn girl, this picture of you is heinous!” sometimes it’s best to just be quiet. a wise woman I know once said “a closed mouth gathers no feet.” amen, sister.

roominate on this yourself