catheroominations

Well, I have an update for you. As of today I have lost…drumroll please…SIXTEEN pounds. Yeah. You read that right. I have lost ONE measly pound since before Christmas. I have stumbled and fallen, I have gotten back up, only to fall again. I have gained and lost and gained again and lost again. There was Christmas, birthday parties, lunches out (read: beer) with friends, a potluck birthday breakfast, Jon Hamm(!) at Cobb’s Comedy Club last Friday (read: beer), and the Super Bowl (both beer and wine this time). If I could just avoid leaving the house and socializing with people altogether, I would be at my goal weight by now. But I’m not interested in becoming a hermit, and I like my friends, so I jump right into temptation and sabotage by some, with both feet and enjoy the food that comes with Getting Together. Sometimes there are healthy options. Usually there are not, but I try, I really do. Deprivation only leads to failure, so I do enjoy some of my favorites every now and then, in moderation. But when there is a buffet of Louisiana-inspired cuisine, whatsagirltodo? White Chocolate Bread Pudding with a sinful sauce made from sweet and condensed milk? Get OUT! Like I could say no to that! And when the woman who baked it asked if I wanted a second helping a couple of hours after she witnessed me orgasmically enjoying my first, well, I couldn’t insult her by saying no. How rude is that? I’m nothing if not polite. So yeah, I had a second helping. And it was GOOD.

That was last Sunday, and for the five days since, I have made a conscious effort to make healthier choices. I have eaten pounds of raw vegetables and fruits (which I have learned to love), focused on lean proteins (except for a small pile of tri tip on my salad Wednesday night at Pluto’s), opted for natural foods, and stayed away from processed crap that’s filled with sodium. Because of this, I lost a pound this week. That’s one more than last week. Last week, I stayed exactly the same to the tenth of a pound. Consistency I can do.

I’m proud of the one-pound loss this week, and I know the process is slow. It has to be in order to work. With the temporary bouts of falling off the wagon, I can’t expect to lose more and so I don’t beat myself up. I’m lucky I haven’t gained more than I have when a + shows up instead of a minus next to my progress.

So here I hover around 135 pounds. There. I said it. I weigh 135 pounds. I’m 5’1 and 135 is not even within my weight range. My BMI states that I’m overweight, and I still look like I am. My mii on the Wii Fit gets wider as the Fit board weighs me. But in real life, I know I look much better now than I do in this photo that a friend posted on Facebook this week.

Good gracious and holy shit! I am working the 1% lycra in those jeans to its maximum. I don’t think Lucky Brand Dungarees has QA testing equipment as fierce as my ass and thighs right there. Why did no one tell me I looked like that? Of course, what would they say? “Catheroo, you’ve let yourself go,” like one of my college friends once said to me? Or they could mask it by saying, “Yeah, my mom asked if you’ve gained weight,” like my college boyfriend told me once. How do you tell someone that they’re not taking good care of themselves? Besides, when that photo was taken I knew I wasn’t eating healthy. I was taking up more space than I wanted to. I felt rotund, and tired, and depressed. Don’t let the smile fool you. I was in severe self-hate mode then. But that was then. And today that is my BEFORE photo. It’s the only real “good” one I have electronically that conveys why I started this journey in the first place. I hate having my picture taken and this is a perfect example of why I’d rather be behind the camera than in front of it. Hopefully that will change and I won’t hate photos of myself.

In that photo, I weighed over 150 pounds. Again, I am 5’1″ tall. At my height I should weigh between 103 (Hahahaha! That’s hilarious!) and 127. I like myself somewhere in between, but now that I’m 40, I’m sure my body cannot get to where it once was. And that’s fine. I don’t know how much more I want to lose, but I’ll know when I get close. I don’t need to be a size zero, or resort to shopping in the kids department at Macy’s. I have realistic goals that do not include looking like a lollipop. But one thing is clear. I have come a long way since that photo on Easter, and don’t intend to go back to that place.

Sometimes when people notice that I’ve lost weight, I tell them it’s not that hard to lose weight. That’s a huge lie. It’s like when someone says, “Oh, I like that sweater,” and you reply with, “this old thing?” rather than just accept the compliment. I do this. Routinely. I diminish my successes. When alone, trying on clothes that were one too small, I think I rock and I’m proud of my hard work. But when someone wants to know how I’m doing it, what I eat, and how I look thinner, I tell them, “it’s not that hard. I don’t really miss any foods I used to eat. If I can do it, you can too. It’s easy!” Liar, liar, pants on fire!

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