April 2, 2006



February 1, 2006

master of the obvious

today dear abby recommends ways to meet your true love. according to her, getting out to mingle increases your chances. apparently mr. right won’t just appear at your door. unless your mr. right is the ups man. I do have a friend who’s husband was the man in brown who delivered packages to her office (heh, packages. heh, and he delivered them to her).

a tip from one of abby’s readers: don’t pout. apparently it gives off a bad vibe. but if your mr. right is steven wright, he’d probably dig it. or richard lewis. he’s kind of a pouty guy.
oh, and mensa is a great place to meet “the one” if you’re a smarty mcbrainy. easier said than done, my friend. take the test and tell me how you did. see? not an option really.

I have no better advice of course. but just take all this with a grain of salt. several grains actually…surrounding a margarita glass. in fact, overindulge in those margaritas and fall on the first attractive person you see. now that’s a story to tell the grandchildren.

January 24, 2006

woe is me…and you, and you, and that guy over there, and…

are you overwhelmed with christmas debt? mopey because the holidays are over? frustrated with failed new year’s resolutions? well, gloomy mcgrumpypants, I can’t help you.

but here’s a math problem that might explain it:

[W + (D-d)] x TQ
M x NA

variables: (W) weather, (D) debt, (d) monthly salary, (T) time since Christmas, (Q) time since failed quit attempt, (M) low motivational levels and (NA) the need to take action.

I am sure you derived from this equation that today, january 24 is the most depressing day of the year.

take heart, there is a cure for this worldwide woe. y’all need to laugh. take two episodes of scrubs and call me in the morning.

January 23, 2006

a dingo ate my blogroll

my blogroll is missing. I don’t know where it went, but it’s gone, and I can’t promote my friends’ blogs without it. I’m going to have to find a band-aid for this until my blog tweaker bf can fix it. j.lo has a tweaker; I have a tweaker.

just so that reading this post wasn’t a complete waste of time, did you know that the buttafuocos and amy fisher are reuniting? joy of joys! the televised special has yet to be picked up by a network, but my bet is on fox. they can put it in arrested development‘s timeslot after it’s cancellation. where is the bluth love, fox? you put the 2-hour season finale on a friday, against the opening ceremonies of the winter olympics? I love the olympics, but I remain ever-loyal to the bluths, and will tune in to their swan song.

I think it’d be really funny if fox got a higher neilsen rating than the opening ceremonies. are you with me people? lemme hear ya say yeah!

November 20, 2005

she’s reining men

a horse is a horse, of course, of course,
and no one can talk to a horse of course
that is, of course,
unless the horse
is one of heidi fleiss’ studs.

giddy-up! heidi fleiss is back in the saddle and is opening a brothel in nevada, catering exclusively to women. if you’re an out-of-work male prostitute reading this, you may want to apply at heidi fleiss’ stud farm. it’s a stable job that pays $250 an hour (50% of which goes to the hollywood madam) and you get to keep your tips.

oh, and jockeys ladies, the opening is planned for 2 months from now, so dig that riding crop out of storage and start saving your pennies.

November 3, 2005

post-halloween horror

there are only 52 shopping days until christmas.

oh no

October 30, 2005

if I could turn back time…oh, wait! I can!

today’s song, clocks, by coldplay serves as a public service announcement, reminding you to set your clocks back one hour.
but why do we do this on a sunday? it would be so much better on a monday, because if there is one day during the week when I could use an extra hour of sleep, it’s monday. try as I might, I simply cannot find the motivation to rise and start another week of work. I have no problem at all getting up at 7 am on a sunday, when it’s my time to spend–enjoying my coffee, catching up on reading, knitting, or playing with the cats (I live on the wild side). but rising early so I can go earn money to keep me housed, clothed, and fed? notsomuch.

one thing that confuses me though is the on/off switch for daylight savings. this is mainly a problem when I’m resetting a vcr (remember those?) or tv. I’m not a stupid person, but I don’t understand. are we on daylight savings time when it is lighter longer, and off of it when it’s dark earlier? and while we’re on the subject, who excused arizona from partaking of this semi-annual event?

here are 10 more songs appropriate for today:
time is on my side – the rolling stones
too much time on my hands – styx
time (clock of the heart) – culture club
praying for time – george michael
continents of time – eddie from ohio
seconds – u2
wasting my time – default
do you have a little time – dido
time has come today – chambers brothers
sour times – portisehead

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