July 4, 2007

“The greatest moment in the history of American sports”

Would occur if Joey Chestnut from San Jose, CA, wins the Nathan’s Famous International July Fourth Hot Dog Eating Contest, according to one of the announcers.

Oh, and this would also make Joey Chestnut an American hero, on par with Abraham Lincoln, Neil Armstrong, and…Taylor Hicks. Taylor Hicks?

Another contestant dedicated his hot dog-eating to N!kk! H!lton, because she lives in the shadow of P@ris, and this contestant feels that he lives in the shadow of Joey Chestnut. Yes, perhaps N!kk! has not seen the quantity of ahem…”hot dogs” as her sister. Poor girl. But I am sure that she is flattered by the dedication.

All of this was on ESPNHD. HD? Do we really need to see people shoving frankfurters into their mouths in high definition? And then replayed in slow motion in the case of a photo finish?

Apparently we do, because I watched it. And Joey Chestnut did his country proud as he chowed 66 hot dogs. He defeated Kobayashi, who only guzzled 63.

Yes, people, the Mustard Belt is back in America, on this, the Nation’s birthday. Thank you, Joey Chestnut. You made San Jose proud. So readers, today when you are at your 4th of July BBQ or party, please, raise your weiner hot dog to Joey, American Hero.

Now it’s time for the Scripps National Spelling Bee in HD. Because you totally need high def to hear kids spell things like pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.