January 12, 2007

My wedding dress will arrive WHEN?

Pardon my French, but in the words of Kirsten Lobe, “Fuckity Fuck Fuck!”

Some background info: Just before Halloween, I ordered my wedding gown. The wedding is in May, I had been told it takes 4 to 6 months to get a dress, and, I was cutting it close by ordering it in October. Joy of joys, the bridal shop told me it would be here by the end of February or the beginning of March. Sweet! That would give me plenty of time for alterations, and if I need to lose some LBs, I’ll have plenty of time to drop the 50 or so I need to (I kid when I’m stressed). They told me they’d call when it arrives. (It should be noted that I do not wait well.)

Well the bridal shop? They don’t follow up so well. I was in the store last month to order bridesmaid dresses and they said my veil and hair “jewelry” had come in, and “didn’t someone call you?” Nope, no one did. But I was too excited to bring home part of my wedding costume to care.

I’ve heard that in most cases, dresses come in before the promise date so just for shits and giggles, I called the shop tonight to see if mine was here yet. Knowing they don’t have a great track record when it comes to calling brides-to-be when their goodies come in, I wouldn’t have been surprised to have been informed that my dress had arrived. What I didn’t expect to hear was:

“Your dress will be in at the end of April.”

Wh-wh-whaaat? Oh, Hell to the no! After I replaced my eyeballs back into their sockets, dusting off the cat hair that stuck to ehm when they popped out and fell onto the floor, I explained to the bridal consultant (very calmly, I might add) that I was told at the time I placed the order that the dress would be here at the beginning of March at the very latest. But no. Seems this “custom length” I ordered would take an additional 6 weeks. Gee. Sure would have been nice to know this before NOW. I do not understand. It takes SIX ADDITIONAL WEEKS to send me less of a dress? (Damn me for being so short!) Do they have to wait for the scissors to arrive at the factory where they make these things? (Note to self: ask boss, who is taking trip to China in two weeks, to bring scissors to bridal gown factory, or grab pieces of dress labeled Catheroo and assemble it myself with duct tape.)

Now, you may be saying, “What’s the problem? It’s not like they said it’d get here by the end of May. They said April, which is like a whole month before you marry your Prince Charming!” But in wedding time, it’s not considered one full month, it is known as ONLY ONE MONTH. What will I do if it doesn’t fit right when it gets here? I’ll have ONLY ONE MONTH to get the required alterations on the top, which is made for Pamela Anderson if she got yet another breast enhancement. I’ll have ONLY ONE MONTH (rather than the almost three they promised) to tone whatever extra flesh squishes out the top of the dress in all the wrong places at my first fitting. And ONLY ONE MONTH does not provide me the very large cushion of time I was given, should there be shipping and/or manufacturing delays.

This is where I become schizo. I go from Zen-like, “It’s no big deal” to panicky, “If it’s too tight when it comes in, I’ll never fit into it on my wedding day!” to rational “Stop with the ifs already. How about ‘what if it comes in early?'” to prepared “Better start looking for a possible back-up!”


In the end, really, it does not matter. I have friends. Married friends with dresses. Dresses they wore one day and now live in the closet forever. It’s just a dress.


It’s my Gotdamn dress. And it’s my Gotdamn wedding and I want my Gotdamn wedding dress to look nice and fit me correctly on the day I get married!


Oh, and I almost forgot about the delivery of the bridesmaid dresses. In December, I was told they’d be here in 6 to 8 weeks. Today they said the dresses would be here the first week in April. Uhm, I’m no math genius, but I think that’s more like 6+8 weeks.