catheroominations

One of my biggest pet peeves when driving is seeing people who change lanes, turn into a driveway or slow down to turn without using their turn signal. Matte hates it more than I do, so should you encounter either of us on the road, here are reasons why you should use your signal and avoid pissing us off:

<begin rant>:

• From the California Department of Motor Vehicles, this is how you change lanes: “Before changing lanes, signal, look in all your mirrors, and…”
• Only buttfaces don’t use their turn signal. And I know you’re not a buttface.
• Why else is there a turn signal in your car if not for you to use it?
• Using your signal is good carma. (See what I did there?)
• Because all the cool kids are doing it.
• It burns one thousand calories (probably it really does, over your lifetime).
• It doesn’t make your ass look big or give you double chins.
• It adds years to your life because people won’t crash into you.
• It’s the courteous thing to do and Mr. Rogers taught us to always be courteous. Also courtesy is contagious so if you use your signal, soon, everyone else will too.
• If you don’t, and you’re driving in Los Angeles, someone might shoot you.
• Barack Obama likes it when you use your turn signal.
• It narrowly missed being included on the list of new sins recently put out by the Vatican. BUT IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ON THERE!
• Keyser Söze, Hannibal Lecter and Dexter will come and get you if you don’t.
• If you don’t signal, the terrorists win.
• Real men use their turn signals (and real women do too).
• 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed recommend using your turn signal.
• Safety. For you and your passengers and for every other driver you meet on the road.
• Because you don’t want this to happen to you. (Note: language NSFW unless you work in a mafia office.)

</end rant>

In honor of Festivus, I hereby present my very own airing of (workplace) grievances:

• Popping your gum so loudly I can hear it from four cubicles away.
• Nail clipping in your cubicle. I mean, come ON!
• Using the word “right” used when it doesn’t belong. (”I left him a message, right? And he never called me back, right? And I’m still playing phone tag with him, right?”) It has reached epidemic proportions at my company.
• Lack of articles before nouns (”customer wants a meeting tomorrow”). Unless someone has the extreme misfortune to have the first name “Customer,” use a freaking article when referring to them.
• Making phone calls using your speaker phone, in your cubicle. Unless you are performing a bris or something, pick up the damn receiver.
• Discussions that take place between two cubicles, when my cubicle separates the two cubicles housing the people having the discussion.
• Cubicles. Suck.
• Reheated fish in the microwave. Just…EW.
• Singing in the stall in the restroom. Really? Singing? Are you just so happy to be evacuating your bladder that you cannot contain yourself? At least you’re not singing about the actual act. I guess I should cut you a break.
• Also? People who answer the phone while in the stall. Every time someone does that, I flush. Even if I don’t have to at the time. Because folks on the other end of the line need to know that they are talking to someone while they are sitting on the commode.

So, in the spirit of all things Festivus, please air your own grievances (workplace or other) in the comments.

Next up, Feats of Strength!

Or is it odd and disgusting to hear a woman in the ladies room of a corporate office do a “hochh…patooey” in the sink?