catheroominations

1. Awesome color and highlights from my fabulous stylist. I’m considering going all Big Love on her and asking her to be my sister-wife.
2. Lunch with Matte and a friend in honor of her “retirement” from her job.
3. Finally seeing Slumdog Millionaire and loving it. Seriously. LOVING. To the point of buying the soundtrack.
4. Finding a book Matte wants for 40% off and giving to him as an early birthday present
5. Gone by Michael Grant. I read about it on Lora’s Goodreads list and I am so into it, I almost forgot to post this list today. It’s Young Adult fiction, and I can barely put it down. Not like Twilight, which I was meh about. Check it out. That’s what I did – from the library. I don’t even want to go to sleep, it’s got me that hooked.

1. Fridays
2. Spending an evening with friends, remembering one we have lost
3. Working from home and getting lots done
4. Paperbackswap.com (Even better than BookMooch! Thanks, Tobie!)
5. Adding more foods to my diet of Saltine crackers and Diet 7UP (I’ve had stomach issues the past two days – ick!)

Sunday is February 22, which means it’s Washington’s birthday. It is also my ex-boyfriend John’s birthday. He would have been 41 years old this Sunday. In 2001, John passed away after a long battle with cancer.

I miss John. I wish he could know Matte. I wish John could see that even though he and I didn’t work out, I found someone who fit me. I wish I could have told John when I had to put Jasper to sleep. Were it not for John, Jasper would have been called Pyewacket or Figaro. But John thought his beautiful green eyes were reminiscent of jasper stones, and they were.

John and I remained friends after we ended our 7-year relationship and I moved back to California from Lexington, Kentucky. When I talked to him on the phone one day, about a year later, I know it was hard for him to tell me he was getting married. When I retorted, “Is she pregnant?” that didn’t go over too well. But, I mean, after spending seven years in a relationship with the dude, to have him meet his future wife just six short months later, and propose six months after that? Well, what was I supposed to think? But, she wasn’t pregnant. They were just ready to spend the rest of their lives together. I joked with him that if I’d known it would only take six months to for him to know that he wanted to marry someone, I could have saved myself six and a half years. We both laughed.

I was invited to John’s wedding, but I did not go. Even though I was close with everyone in his family, and they were like my own family, I just couldn’t do it. I wished him well, at least a small part of me did. But I was also jealous. My feelings would change very soon.

Soon after his wedding, my friend Julie called to tell me that John had been diagnosed with cancer. It was a rare form, and they weren’t sure how to treat it, but he would try anything and go anywhere to get the best treatment available.

John came to California to visit and was completely bald from chemo. I joked with him that it was too bad he wasn’t bald when we were together because I thought bald guys were hot. When I met his wife, I hugged her. I felt like I knew her already. She was much younger than he was and what she was going through, caring for her sick husband, well. I was no longer jealous of her. Instead, I was empathetic and supportive of what she was going through.

When they later discovered that his wife was pregnant, everyone was elated for John and his wife. Cancer treatments, especially those as intense as John was getting, often render people sterile, so this was quite a miracle. He showed me the video of his baby, this tiny little blob, floating around in his wife’s womb, and I saw a changed person in John. Yes, he was fighting cancer, but he was not letting that keep him from being happy and living his life. I had never seen him this kind of happy before, not even when we were together. And I was happy for him, and the impending birth of his first baby, Cletus the Fetus, as John called him.

His son was born and he was adorable and not named Cletus. But John wasn’t getting better, and when his son was just two years old, John succumbed to the cancer that ravaged his body, but never his soul.

John was the youngest of seven children and his brother was the oldest. Two boy bookends to five girls. I can’t remember who suggested I see come to see John in December of 2000. It could have been his sister Patty, who is still one of my dearest friends, or John’s best friend Craig, or maybe my friend Mary Beth (another close friend), who went to high school with John. I’m so glad I made that trip and got to know his wife better and meet their son. John felt well enough to take us to a brewery tasting room and show us the woodwork that he helped design. We went to one of his favorite restaurants, Atomic Cafe, and spent a lot of time visiting and reminiscing. In the photos from that trip, everyone is smiling.

The next time I would go to Lexington would be for John’s funeral.

Sometime in 1992. Photo by Frank Becker.

Friday night, Matte and I will gather for some poker with some of John’s old friends and remember him, like we do every year around his birthday. There will be Newcastle to drink, and possibly Togo’s sandwiches made of turkey and avocado (John’s favorite). The soundtrack will include REM, Guadalcanal Diary, and Concrete Blonde, with a smattering of Wire Train, Ocean Blue, the Rolling Stones, the B-52s, Toad the Wet Sprocket, and Ultravox. We’ll remember how John would wear the same thing to every one of our poker nights: Birkenstocks and a shirt he bought at the flea market. The shirt depicted the Pope, making two peace signs with his hands. I might break out my old Birks and maybe my University of Kentucky sweatshirt to wear. While John won’t be sitting at the table with us, he will be there, mocking our bad poker hands, and singing along with Michael Stipe, “got my Sprite, I’ve got my Orange Crush.” At least, that’s how we always sang it.

1. Realizing that the reason LOST seemed so short last night is because we were overzealous with the remote during commercials and fast-forwarded through about 15 minutes of the show. Duh.
2. Diet 7UP for an upset stomach
3. Kittehs who act like nurses for a split second, but then decide to just nap next to me
4. Mooching books
5. Photoshop actions from Pioneer Woman

1. Wasabi peas from Trader Joe’s
2. A day with no rain!
3. My commute to work took only 20 minutes because kids are out of school this week. I wish traffic flowed that well every day, but I’ll take what I can get.
4. I was a speed demon on a big project today and got my portion of it completed before the day was done.
5. Tatiana did not get voted into the Top 12 on American Idol! Suck it, votefortheworst.com!

Sizzle did something fun a LONG FREAKING TIME ago, and I wanted to play too. She assigned me the letter N.

Here now is a list of ten things that I love, that all start with the letter N.

1. Newcastle Brown Ale
My college sweetheart, John introduced me to beer, and Newcastle was our favorite. To this day, if I go to a bar or restaurant and they have Newcastle on tap, that’s my first pick. And it’s often in our fridge. It is oh so good. Nice and nutty flavor, never bitter. John passed away in 2001, and every time I drink Newcastle, I think of him.

2. Nikon
I shoot with a Nikon D50, and I have an SB-600 Speedlight, also from Nikon. I adore my camera and I hope to collect more, and better lenses for it in the near future. I love what my Nikon can do with what I see. I love it so much, it’s almost like it’s an Apple product or something.

3. Neil Patrick Harris
John, the college sweetheart I mentioned above used to get told by everyone that he looked like NPH. That was during the Doogie days and he was always kind of “gee, thanks a lot” about it. But today Neil Patrick Harris has a hotness quotient he didn’t exhibit when he was Dr. Hauser. If you have never watched How I Met Your Mother, I highly suggest you tune in. I recently noticed there was a laugh track on the show, and I can’t believe I never heard it before. The show is so funny on its own, it certainly doesn’t need a laugh track, and I’m so distracted by the wit, I must tune it out or something.

4. NPR
NPR have some killer programming, and I subscribe to two of their podcasts. Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me and the Sunday Puzzle with Will Shortz are two of my favorite programs on NPR. They’re both clever, intelligent, and both of them make me feel really smart when I get an answer right. For their year-end shows, Wait, Wait… replayed an episode featuring President Obama while he was in the Senate. If you can find it, listen. It’s funny radio without being idiotic. Also, look for the episodes with Denis Leary and Campbell Brown. Wait, Wait brings out the funny in people. And those who are already funny are downright hilarious on this show. Oh, and the Amy Sedaris episode – classic. Shall I go on?

5. NBC Universal
What is it with NBC and their addictive programming on Thursdays? Back in the day there was Cheers. There was Hill Street Blues (or was that a Tuesday night show?) and then Friends, Seinfeld, Will and Grace, and ER. And now, The Office and 30 Rock (and the final season of ER) occupy my DVR on Thursdays. How do they do it, those people at NBC? Plus, they own Bravo, which airs Top Chef and Project Runway. There are other good shows on other networks, but NBC knows how to do Thursdays right. Oh, and Tuesday nights, The Biggest Loser is huge (pun totally intended) at our house.

6. Newton Faulkner
Work has been really busy of late, and when I’m feeling overwhelmed and stressed, I just put in my earbuds and find Newton Faulkner in my iTunes. He calms me, without distracting me from what I’m doing. By the way, he was born the year before I graduated from high school. I’m so old, but that young’un can really sing.

7. Natural Peanut Butter
Ingredients: Peanuts, salt. That’s IT. As I attempt to change my eating habits to more whole foods and fewer preservatives and processed crap, natural peanut butter has become a treat. It tastes like peanut butter, not sugar. I love the consistency because I can feel the tiny bits of peanuts in there, even in the creamy version. I bought a jar from Whole Foods for $1.99. Who knew one could find such goodness at Whole Foods for just $2?

8. New York City
I heart NY, for real. I’ve only been there twice, once in the humidity of summer (I was on the Today show, did you see me?), and once in the frigid winter. I love the energy and I feel safer walking around alone there than I do in San Francisco. I took the subway from Midtown to Harlem alone and was never worried about a thing. When friends took a cab to dinner, I walked. I adore Central Park and was fortunate enough to run a race there in July of 2005. Being a theatre geek, I go a little nuts over Broadway, and on my last trip packed in as many shows as I could. I want to go there in the fall one year and take hundreds thousands of photos of the architecture, the city lights, the food, the people.

9. Nintendo Wii
Although I have neglected my Wii of late, there was a time when I was addicted to it. Addicted, I tell you. I regressed back to my Atari days and would tell Matte, “just one more game,” before I would hand over the controller. There were weekends when we wouldn’t get dressed at all, and play Wii Sports, Super Mario Galaxy, and Guitar Hero for hours at a time. We would break for food and the bathroom, and other than that, we were molded into the couch cushions, watching Nintendo’s version of ourselves bowl, flip around to fit into bubbles, and play rockstars. Now my addiction to television has distracted me from my Nintendo.

10. Nob Hill Foods
This is my favorite I-can-buy-anything-at-this-store grocery store. I love Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, but I usually have to go to a second store to supplement my groceries. But not when I go to Nob Hill. They have gorgeous produce, and killer cuts of meat. They have enough organic stuff to choose from and a lot of low-fat and low-calorie versions of things as well. Their generic version of shredded wheat is better (yes) than the one at Trader Joe’s. The biggest plus for me is that Nob Hill is close enough to my house that I can walk, assuming I’m not doing my “big” shopping. Oh, and they have a sushi bar, which includes brown rice versions of some of my favorites. Yes, I know brown rice is probably blasphemy to sushi snobs, but sometimes I need my fix, and brown rice is a healthier substitute. When I shop on Saturday mornings, I must grab a nonfat latte from Peet’s, which is right inside the store. Awesome.

If you want to play, leave me a comment and I will assign you a letter for your meme. I promise not to give you X or Z. It’ll be a good letter. And, like Sizzle, I won’t assign you a deadline. I think it took me 2 weeks to get this post done!

The following post was written as part of Blog Share, created by -R-. Blog Share gives everyone a chance to publish something they want to get off their chest, but might not want their public to know. My anonymous guest blogger wrote something that struck a chord with me, because I was once in a similar position. I hope you enjoy it, and please leave my anonymous friend some supportive comment love.

I have been racking my brain for a Blog Share post all day. When I signed up to participate, I had an idea in mind. My story was elegant and interesting and something that I didn’t want my blog readers who know me in real life to know. And then I forgot it. In truth, another potential Blog Share-worthy story popped up, but now I’ve decided I’m not ready to tell that one because I’m still working out how I feel about it and I am not ready to open myself up to comments and criticisms on that particular issue. And so….I’ve been stumped.

I’ve decided on something that isn’t glamorous or exciting or even all that scandalous, but it’s something about which I am embarrassed. Actually, I’m beyond embarrassed. I think it’s fair to say I’m even ashamed. This shame, however, is what makes me want to talk about it – because if anyone else has done the same thing, well, I want that person to read this and know that she or he is not alone. That there are other people who have done this or do this or will do this.

With that grand of an intro, I’m quite certain you will be disappointed to know that I’ve been gearing up to talk about money management. I can hear the crowds booing now. Still, I promise you: anyone who has trouble managing his or her money probably feels a deep sense of mortification whenever money is mentioned. I know I did.

When I was in college, I bounced so many checks that I actually had a charge filed against me by…I think the city?…and I had to attend a money management class to get it removed from my record. I’d love to tell you that this happened because I was trying to put together tuition money and finance my own books, room, and board, but that would be a lie. My parents gave me a generous allowance every months, and if I ever needed extra money, all I had to do was call them. I had absolutely no excuse except my own refusal to keep track of what I had and didn’t have, and then my refusal to abstain from going out when I “didn’t have”.

I wish I could tell you that I outgrew this by the time I graduated, but I didn’t. I continued this behavior even through graduate school. I didn’t just bounce checks – I was also a big fan of not paying my bills. I just wouldn’t pay them. I paid rent, sure, but electricity and cable and phone? Nah. I had all three cut off so many times I can’t even count. I would sheepishly drive down to the electric company office in the shiny little sportscar my parents bought me and stand in line with people who were clearly struggling to make ends meet, pay all my overdue bills, and then go home and wait in the dark for my electricity to come back on. Sometimes, when I didn’t have money to pay my overdue bills, I borrowed from friends. Have you ever experienced the embarrassment of having to borrow money from your friends? It sucks. It really, really sucks.

No, I did not have a drug problem. No, I was not involved in anything sketchy. Hell, I wasn’t even fashionable or flashy. To this day, I have no idea where my money went. Oh, how it went. I cannot explain it. I cannot explain why I put off paying my bills or why I wouldn’t just check my bank balance on a regular basis so I could know what was or was not in it. I wish I could.

I CAN, however, explain to you how I overcame this. With the help of a brilliant and wonderful psychologist, I learned a lesson that I repeat to myself even to this day, even in different contexts. It sounds simple, but it works. I learned to remind myself that no matter how much I dread something, the consequences of putting it off are usually more dreadful.

For example: if I dread checking my bank balance because I am afraid that it will show I have $3.62 in my account, I have two choices. I can choose not to check the bank balance and go write a check for $162 in whatever at a store (well, okay, nowadays I can’t even do that since everything is automated, but BACK THEN, I could). The result is even worse: it creates a new thing to dread, which is seeing a bank balance with a minus sign in front of it.

It is better to know than not to know.

I know what most of you are thinking. I can hear it, all the way over here. Duh. What a stupid bitch. EVERYONE knows that. This chick is a brat. And you would be right. The thing is, though, I think one or two of you will read this and think, She is right, that is the most embarrassing thing in the world and I always felt like everyone else had their act together but at least I know now that someone else went through this, too.

You’re not alone. And if you’re really, truly struggling this, ask -R- if you can find out who I really am, and we’ll talk privately about it. (If you ask sincerely, and R asks me if it’s okay for her to give my real information out). I promise, you can fix this. You can break this horrible cycle and you can stop calling the bank to beg them to take off another $37.50 charge for overdrawing your account. I promise.